I'm still a baby in this big ole world yet I have such big, grown up dreams and thoughts and anxieties.
Ya know, I feel like I never really was a teenager. And maybe this is totally wrong, but I feel like I went from being a pre-teen obsessed with crazy rock bands and silly boys to being a young woman with too many heavy thoughts. I never experienced those wild teen days because I always looked at all the crazy people around me and felt completely out of place. And I honestly never did feel like I could be myself around the majority of my classmates because (and don't take this in a high and mighty way) I just felt like I was older than them. This is not to say I didn't make any teenage-esque decisions during this time, but more than anything I wanted to make grown up decisions when I was only 16.
And I think that it was slightly sad that I wanted to be so grown up so young because now I'm terrified of growing up. Sure, I look forward to things like moving Into my own place and finding a career and getting married one day... But in just a few months I won't be considered a teenager anymore. I'm in that in-between stage. I'm not really a self-guided adult yet but I'm not a kid either (not that I ever was the past 5 years). And I'm scared of the future.
My perspective on life has radically changed for me in the past year, heck, the past 2 months even.
I have no idea what God is doing.
Have absolutely no idea where and what He wants me to be in the future.
Im just riding this tidal wave of life at the moment and I've never been happier. Even though I am so so so scared, I am so so so happy. I spent my teenage years planning out who I want to be and now I'm leaving the teenage years with the knowledge that who I want to be is only who God makes me to be and it is completely out of my control.
Age is a number. Higher numbers normally have more substance, more weightiness. Lower numbers are the easy ones. You try to jump into a math problem with the number 87 and you're gonna have a tougher time than if you only had to deal with simple 20. With a number like 20 in any problem, you're a self-proclaimed math genius.
I realize the older I get, the harder my "math problems" will be. Not just because my brain cells are dying and my senility will cause me to suck at math but also life gets harder after 20, so I hear.
Despite my slight anxiety over aging, I do look forward to what God will accomplish in and through my life. I am expectant because I've seen what He can do and what He does is amazing.
No matter your age, 15 or 55, be expectant of Gods power in your life. You may be in the easy times of your life or you may be in your darkest days. Know that clinging to Him as a soul in need of it's Savior instead of an age number surrounded by boundaries will bring the greatest amount of joy.
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