Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Heart-wrenching, bone-trembling change.

I've been sort of MIA this summer.

I'll be honest with what my main task was: I was watching sitcoms.

Friends and How I Met Your Mother to be exact.

And I sort of felt bad about it because I never wanted to be that girl who wastes her life sitting around watching Netflix all day, but now that I've finished all 10 seasons of Friends and all 9 seasons of HIMYM, I think I know why I got so attached to these shows.

The premise of both of these shows is this journey of growing up, destiny, and change-- sometimes heart wrenching, bone trembling change.

And even though its just sappy TV... they've got some truth to em.

Because I'm there.

Right now I have a book titled Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married sitting beside me. I have a beautiful diamond ring on my left hand. In 2 weeks, I'll move to the start of finishing up my last year living on campus at college before I become a married woman.

I'm so incredibly excited for whats ahead because everything that I want, everything that I know is my destiny, is finally being fulfilled...
But right now its bittersweet. I'm not blind to the heart wrenching, bone trembling change that is ahead of me. I know that I'm walking into a difficult path but I know its one that I truly want to take.

For so long, I've hated my youth. Thats such a strange thing to say, but I have. I wanted to make adult decisions even when I didn't know what adult decisions were. I've been really naive in thinking that. I wanted to be a grown-up and deal with grown-up stuff because as long as I can remember, the piddly adolescent stuff has got on my nerves. I've never been the party girl, never been the girl that dated around, always wanted to make mature decisions and always wanted to be smart. Yeah, I had my teenage girl moments. But after I started high school, I really did want to morph into a mature woman.

It took heartbreak, lost friendships, losing my mind, and finally refocusing my perspective to change me into who I am today. And really, this blog was started when I finally felt like I was becoming who I really wanted to be.

In 280 days, I'm totally pushing adolescence behind me.

I'm over my head in wedding planning and this week, I got really discouraged. Not because of the stress of wedding planning necessarily (although it is pretty stressful trying to find an affordable venue), but because I know I'm putting so much time and thought into something that is a symbol of a brand new chapter of my life--- no, a brand new book.
I know the setting will change. The theme will change. The vibe will change. And I'm afraid that the characters will change.

I've dealt with this heart wrenching, bone trembling change so many times in my life. But most of it was change that came as a slow fade. Right now, its something looming ahead.

Its scary, but also really exciting. I could also say that its exciting, but also really scary (haha).

If theres one thing that I've received from this summer of wasting my life watching sitcoms, its that it doesn't matter how the place changes, but how the people change.
I mean, come on... the moment Monica and Chandler closed their apartment door, it wasn't a sad moment because of the fact that they had to leave the apartment, but for the fact that they had changed so much and their circumstances had changed so much, that they had to leave the past behind.

And Ted met his kids' mother only through a system of change in himself. Had he not experienced the people that he did, he probably never would have found her.

In the same way, had I not been surrounded by the beautiful people in my life, I would not have found my sweet man, who I am so excited to marry. I only found him because my family and my friends, and even people who I didn't know, and even people who hurt me... they all taught me what to look for in a man, but more importantly, what to BE before I found a man.

For so long I thought that God wouldn't send me my husband until I had gone through college, and experienced the real world by myself. I thought I needed to be taught total independence to be able to be a good wife and a good citizen and a good person.

But finding my sweet man has brought about a heart wrenching, bone trembling change in me, because I know now that I need to be taught interdependence. I can become better by experiencing even more heart wrenching, bone trembling change with the man of my dreams by my side.

In the past 2 years, I've learned that people are better than places. And it doesn't matter where God takes me, or what heart wrenching, bone trembling change He puts me through... He will always have the perfect people to be there to pull me out of myself, and point me to my destiny.