Thursday, February 26, 2015

I'm not Wonder Woman.

I'm feeling heavy today. Like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.
We all get these days.
Sometimes its just a bad day. Sometimes we realize things are different than how we think they should be. Sometimes the future looks ominous and gray. Sometimes our plans shatter before our eyes.

Today, I feel like Wonder Woman has been defeated.
Wonder Woman being me. Even though thats not me.
Obviously, because Wonder Woman doesn't get defeated. She wins. At everything.

I'm laying here feeling defeated because I have this mindset that everyone, everything, and even God has called me to be Wonder Woman.
I have to have everything together. I have to have everything planned out.

Lets put onto paper the next 5 years of my life. 

I have to please everyone around me-- my family, my friends, the bagger at the check-out line.

If I don't go home soon, everyone is going to think I hate them.
Oh please don't be disappointed in me. 
Smile, look like the nicest person that ever was!

More importantly, I have to please God in everything that I do.

I can't have God being disappointed in me.

I have to be in accordance with every doctrine I've ever been taught.

The conflict is too real in my head right now.

I can't have these emotions rolling out of control....

I'm supposed to be calm, not complicated. 

...even when nothing in my head seems to have any order.


I have to look presentable.

I have to have my skin looking nice. Makeup, more makeup.
I can't be looking bald today, lets tease the hair a little more. 
You just ate ANOTHER brownie? Enough said here.

And as the burden gets heavier and heavier and my mind gets more confused by my fight for perfection, I realize that this is exactly what Satan wants me to do.

Its at these times when I'm struggling to be perfect that I question God's perfection.

This is a confession that some might find blasphemous, but its the truth.

How can a perfect God who knows how imperfect His creations are ask perfection from them?

And this is how the Devil gets me.

I confided in my roommate in the midst of my sorrows this afternoon.
"I feel like everyone and everything and even God is calling me to be Wonder Woman and I can't! I just can't!"
"No," she said. "God has never and will never call you to be Wonder Woman."
"Then what has He called me to be?! I don't know what He wants me to be!!!"

God has not called me to be Wonder Woman. He has called me to be the best that I can be, but He knows I can't be perfect. He knows I'm going to fail.

And thats why He gave me Jesus.
Every failure, every heartache, every shattered plan, every broken dream, every crazy emotion, every useless tear, every slip-up, every mess-up, EVERYTHING-- is covered by the blood of Christ.

My roommate put it this way:
God does not call me to be Wonder Woman, but He has called me to be...
Close to Christ
At spiritual peace

This resonated with me in an astounding way.

Close to Christ: Above all, I want to live like Jesus. I want to walk throughout my day by holding His hand and Him telling me how to walk. I want to love people the way that He loves people, I want to extend Grace like He has extended Grace to ME.

Healthy: God made me. He knows how my mind works. He knows how my body works. He knows what I do need and what I don't need. Based on that knowledge, I am 100% certain that God understands what it takes for me to be mentally and physically stable, regardless of what anyone on this earth has to say about anything. And also based on that knowledge, I'm 100% certain that Satan understands what it takes to rip me a new one. And that devil uses outside sources paired with my own self-destruct mechanism to put me down a black hole of confusion, chaos, and insanity.
That fight for perfection? It messes me up in the head. And it will mess you up in the head too.
Look, mental health is critical, people. I'm a psychology major. I know.

At spiritual peace: My roommate put it this way-- despite how you're feeling or circumstances surrounding you, you know you're on the right track. Peace is not an emotion, its a real state of being. Peace does not mean everything is going right, for everything that may be going wrong is leading you in the right direction.

Mm. Let me say that again because God put those words in me just now and I'm feeling preached to.

PEACE does not mean that everything is going right-- it may mean that everything that may be going wrong is leading you in the right direction.

In the midst of crazy circumstances, unknown futures, and shattered plans, we can still have spiritual peace knowing that God has our destination set in the GPS of life.

I'm going to take a moment here to say PRAISE JESUS.

Praise Jesus that I don't have to be Wonder Woman, because I can't be Wonder Woman.

But there is a Superman.
His name is Jesus.
And today I might be a Lois Lane at the top of a rooftop crying for help.
And you know what?
Superman always swoops in and saves the day.

Big thanks to my wonderful friend, sister, roommate, and Jesus-example, Casey.
Please give her support by checking out her blog-- Grace In The Race