I take integrity a little too seriously in a wacky way. How is that a problem, you ask?
If I say one thing, and later change my mind about it, my stomach knots.
I used to say that hats were against my religion. I would NOT wear a hat for anything. I thought they smooshed my hair down and I'm a lover of big hair so that would just be a problem.
Then one day, the whole beanie-beret thing became cute to me and I was at a crossroads.
Hat or no hat?
Well, I told everyone that I don't wear hats so that must mean I can't get a hat.
Eventually, I bit the bullet and bought a hat. Multiple hats.
The first time I wore that daggum hat I was so upset with myself.
"Everyone is going to think I'm a flighty hypocrite because I used to always say I would never wear a hat."
Yes, this is how my brain works.
Anyone who truly knows me knows that I don't chew gum.
In fact, I've been preaching against it for YEARS. Anyone who asked for gum or offered gum, I would have a conniption with.
I also love onions. Sometimes *cough* always after eating onions, I either smell like them all day or taste them all day. Which is annoying. And when nobody has mints, guess what everybody has?
Gum. There have been a few instances where, in desperation, I take a piece of gum to get rid of the onion catastrophe. And every time, whoever distributes the gum gives me DOWN THE ROAD for breaking my vow against gum.
I'm telling you all this to say: Its okay to change your mind. Its okay to prove yourself wrong.
Disclaimer: This does not apply to everything. For example- marriage, 3 months into being clean of alcohol/drugs, children, etc.
I'm talking about more trivial things that are less trivial in the moment.
You see my header up there? ^^^^^^
Paris. On my bucket list.
When I started looking at colleges, the biggest deciding factor for a school was whether or not they offered an abroad program. Literally, my biggest dream in life had become the top places on my bucket list. My mind got a little chaotic with all these big fancy places in the world and how I could get there before life could come in and drown my dreams.
But you know what? The freaking Eiffel Tower was never the first thing on my list. It originally started out with the Palace of Versailles, and the only reason I wanted to go there is because I have this obsession with Marie Antoinette and to see where she once lived would be crazy awesome.
And then Paris is like forever advertised as the greatest place ever and its also commercialized and you can buy a billion eiffel tower things and so because nobody knew what the Palace of Versailles was, I told everyone my dream was to go to Paris because its only 30 minutes down the road from Versailles.
Am I looking crazy yet? Stay with me here.
So as you know if you keep up with my blogs, I get to college and start to reconsider my dreams because I'm beginning to think they're a little selfish. I go back and forth between planning to pack up and move to a new country for a few months and just throwing the idea out completely. Then summer comes and I open a savings account for a possible future trip. At the same time, I'm beginning to ask myself why I wanted to go there in the first place.
I had convinced myself for awhile that it was for the people but when you don't speak a lick of French it kinda becomes apparent that you can't really interact with people.
So I take a French class.
What do you do when your dreams change?
A couple of months ago I dreamt about Paris and it was exciting. But I've realized that in all my dreams about that place, the pretty picturesque view comes and fades rather quickly.
And I've began to ask myself: have I been so focused on something that I can experience for a few hours that I've pushed aside what I'm going to be spending my life for?
I want people to understand that I'm not the same girl I was 2 years ago when I began telling everyone my dreams of visiting a country that I know barely anything about but looks pretty.
And I believe that God has changed my heart for the better. I've questioned my dreams because of my calling. I feel God has a high calling on my life-- as anyone who follows Christ should feel.
And theres been a rather hefty shift in my way of thinking.
Because my calling has become my dream.
I'm writing this because I know people like to question other's decisions. Especially when this topic has been one that I've been completely obsessed with for so long.
But I've began to think about where and how I've been called and none of those things involve fancy places across the pond.
I've been called to people to bring the people the Kingdom of God.
I've been called to be a woman of strength right here and right now.
The list goes on.
Some of you might say: Its just a trip. Whats the big deal?
Heres the thing, its an expensive trip. A trip that takes a big chunk of money that could simply go to more important things.
It all comes down to this: I'd rather get the ball rolling to where my dreams now lie, a dream that is going to be a continuous, forever thing, than throw money towards something that lasts a few days.
1 John 2:17 And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever.